Self-Care and Political Warfare

Self-Care and Political Warfare

IMG_5332I was in an emotional crisis. My partner and I were fighting. It was my fault and the anxiety I endured from the confrontation was compounded by a deep sense of guilt and shame. I felt powerless as I waited for him to reach out to me so we could fix the problem while at the same time dreading the future confrontation we’d have. I felt isolated. My nerves were shot.

I texted the problem to my friend, A, the psychotherapist, while sitting on the couch in my pyjamas. At the time I remember wanting to include others in my misery, so that people would ask me about it and tell me everything would be alright, that it happens to all of us—it wasn’t that bad—and that I’d get through this thing.

A tells me, “There is nothing you can do now but wait. Waiting takes courage. So, while you’re waiting, don’t forget to self care.”

Self-care: the illusive term we’d often hear tossed around in naturopathic medical school. The hyphenated compound noun referred to anything from applying castor oil packs to getting enough sleep. In my mind, it brings up images of spa-like indulgences: bubble baths, candles, a junky novel—guilty pleasures. True self-care, however, is far from simple self-indulgences. Audre Lorde owns the most powerful definition of self-care I’ve heard, which is this:

“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation. And that is an act of political warfare.”

Rather than being a commercial phenomenon—involving trips to the spa, chocolate binge-eating and shopping sprees—self-care is political. Self-care challenges the inequality and oppression of race, gender, class and sexual orientation in society, by providing us with a means to improve our strength and ensure our survival.

When I read Lorde’s quote, I think of my Italian grandmother Nonna. Barely sitting down to enjoy the dinner she had prepared, she dedicated herself to the service of her family’s well-being. Like many other women, especially Italian Catholic women from her generation, she had been taught that any care for herself was selfishness—a symbol of the highest level of vanity and self-obsession. Nonna, like other women of various colours, religions and socioeconomic statuses, was taught to live a life of self-sacrifice. Any attention paid to her own well-being was regarded as an indulgent after-thought. Women are denied a societal sense of self-worth, which is then paradoxically medicated by advertisers telling us to “treat ourselves” to expensive perks because we’ve “earned it”. We are taught not to love ourselves and then instructed how to remedy this lack of self-love with expensive gifts.

Self-care is about finding ways to cultivate and feel deserving of self-love.

True self-care is essential for moving us forward. Because it prioritizes the health and well-being of a person, it affirms self-worth. This has the power to challenge the oppressive forces of racism, misogyny, classism, homophobia and other prejudices. Self-care helps with trauma recovery. It helps heal.

Self-care builds resilience.

We commonly fall into the thought-trap of regarding self-care inaccessible to certain populations; we assume it requires time, money and energy that not all of us have. Katherine from “I Am Begging My Mother Not to Read This Blog” accurately expresses the sentiment with an ironic twist:

“Make time for yourself. After you’ve run that 5K, started a load of laundry, harvested your organic vegetable garden, run to the bank, paid the bills, dazzled everyone with recipes that are cost-effective, healthy, and delicious, thought of something witty and clever to share with your social networking site, caught up on current events and politics, and cleaned all of the house, that special hour set aside just for you is so critical to your well-being.”

While she certainly has a point, something essential is missed in the definition of self-care. Self-care isn’t about shutting out the sound of your screaming children while you pour yourself a martini and fill the tub with hot water. Self-care is about intention, balance, mindfulness, self-awareness and, above all self-love. It is about taking responsibility for one’s own health and well-being. It is about recognizing your physical, mental and emotional needs and ensuring that those needs are met. Self-care is about reducing stress levels. If a pile of dirty laundry is stressing you out, then mindfully washing those clothes while watching the stress leave your body is self-care.

Self-care is an attitude. You can wash your dirty laundry with the frenzy of a thousand cortisol molecules and your mind on the massive list of other things yet to get done, or you can savour the positive feelings of achievement that comes from checking an item off the to-do list. You can breathe the scent of fabric softener, feel the warmth of the clothes that are coming out of the dryer and acknowledge that you are caring for yourself by ensuring you have clean clothes to wear the next day. It’s perspective and intention that creates self-care. That being said, laundry doesn’t necessarily have to be your thing either.

I have a patient who works 6-day weeks. When I asked her what she does for self-care, she looked at me, puzzled. “You know, self-care—how do you take care of yourself?” I tried to clarify. There was still no dawning of realization on her face. I silently chided myself for asking such an insensitive question.

And yet, my patient was taking care of herself. She was drinking more water, eating more vegetables and exercising. She was coming to see a naturopathic doctor and investing in her health. She was doing plenty of self-care; she just didn’t know it.

The SCaR Foundation outlines the BACE method of self-care, which helps us draw awareness to the simple acts we can engage in to care for ourselves.

Body Care involves exercising regularly, eating healthy food, taking medications and herbal supplements as prescribed. It also encompasses getting up to stretch while sitting at a desk, drinking water, getting enough sleep.

Achievement consists of finishing the daily tasks you have on your to-do list, laundry among them. It also includes working towards goals, like studying for a test or doing your work.

Connecting with Others includes spending time with friends, family, or a pet. Social connection is one of the reasons why we’re alive. Being able to reach out to others for help is one of the strongest manifestations of courage and resilience.

Enjoyment encompasses hobbies, favourite pass-times and indulgences. What activities bring joy and happiness to your life?

Self-care should not be pre-determined. When it becomes someone else’s prescription, it is no longer self-care.

Self-care is not always pleasurable. Sometimes it can be quite uncomfortable, such as making the decision to change careers, end a relationship or get in shape. It can be transformative, such as standing up for yourself. Self-love is a revolutionary act and revolutions aren’t always won peacefully. However, learning to listen to the body allows us to determine which decisions are coming from a place of self-love and not anger, hatred or fear.

My particular self-care story ended well.  The very act of reaching out to a friend had already begun the process of self-caring (connection). After talking to A, I got up, changed out of my bathrobe, exercised, showered, and put on a homemade face mask of yogurt, honey and avocado (body care). I read fiction on the couch with a hot mug of cinnamon tea (enjoyment). I did yoga, meditated (body care) and went to a friend’s house for lunch, then another friend’s for dinner (connection). I took a course on a subject I love and met other healthcare practitioners while developing a new counselling skill (achievement). A part of me craved isolation, but I intuited that wouldn’t be a restorative act for me at that time and so I forced myself to move on with my activities, knowing that they would improve my positivity and resilience. In the end, because I took care of myself, I was able to face the situation from a place of strength and compassion for both me and my partner. Self-care helped me move past the shame and connect to the most powerful and loving version of myself.

That was my approach to self-care, because it was what I needed. At that time, I needed to feel healthy, strong and social. I needed to be reminded of who I was. Others in similar situations may decide that they need to grieve alone while watching When Harry Met Sally and devouring wine and popcorn, their faces stained with tears. Self-care is about knowing yourself and recognizing and honouring your needs.

Contrary to what we’ve been told, self-care isn’t selfish. It is the highest expression of connectedness. We can’t take care of others if we are not healthy. And we can’t be healthy without taking care of ourselves.

Self-Care Resources:

Methods-of-Self-Care : Free Ebook

Caring About Self-care : Article

Also, check out this Self-Care Journal, by Rachelle Abellar. It has sections for personal affirmations and action plans for when you’re feeling low. You can buy a copy at lulu.com.

DIY Red Clover Salve

DIY Red Clover Salve

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This winter has been particularly harsh for chapped lips and itchy dry skin. I’ve been tempted more than a few times to buy red clover salve, a skin treatment made with Trifolium pratense, a skin-soothing plant full of antioxidants. Red clover is excellent for treating skin conditions such as eczema, psoriasis, acne, rashes, dryness and other skin disorders. It softens and nurtures skin while also providing anti-inflammatory effects, reducing pain, redness and itchiness.

Health food store salves are expensive, however. Some of them contain unwanted ingredients, even if they are natural—sometimes I prefer not to apply essential oils to my skin when it’s red and raw, as they can cause an aggravation. The tubes are also tiny and inadequate for covering large patches of affected skin. Fortunately it’s easy and cost-effective to make your own salve. I often encourage cash-strapped patients to make their own botanical skin treatments at home.

Within minutes of applying this balm to my skin, my chapped lips and itchy legs were soothed and redness was calmed. My skin felt smoother, moisturized and less flaky. I’ve even distributed some to small pots to use as a lip balm throughout the day.

DIY Red Clover Salve

You need:

Trifolium pratense (red clover) 100 g dried herb

Liquid oil of choice—I used olive and avocado—enough to cover herbs

1 small mason jar

1 cheese cloth or absorbent paper towel

Pot, stove, slow cooker

Beeswax

Instructions: 

Step 1: Oil Infusion

There are two steps to making a salve. The first is to create an oil infusion from the dried herbs. This process extracts the medicinal properties from the plant using oil. The proper, herbalist way to do this is to cover the herbs in the oil of your choice and leave them in the sun for a week or two. However, since I’m pressed for time, I make oil infusions in the slow cooker.

Put the herbs in the small mason jar and cover completely with oil. Fill the slow cooker with water, so that the water level meets the level of oil in the mason jar. Place the mason jar inside the water in the slow cooker. Cook on low overnight.

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Step 2: Salve

After the oil has been infused with the active plant constituents, strain out the dried herbs using a cheese cloth. Make sure to squeeze out all the good, nutritious oil from the herbs so that none is wasted.

Create a double boiler by setting a pot filled with water (I reuse the same water from the slow cooker) on the stove and turning the temperature to high.

Sit the mason jar containing just the oil infusion (no herbs) in the water. Once the water is boiling, slowing add in beeswax. A 1:5 beeswax:oil ratio creates a pliable, creamy salve. You can start with less keeping in mind that you can always add more later by reheating the salve in the double boiler. You don’t want to go overboard and add too much beeswax, creating a salve that is too hard. Allow the beeswax to melt into the liquid oil while stirring.

Remove the jar from the stove and allow it to cool to room temperature.

Once cooled, apply to affected skin areas and enjoy the smoothness.

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Healing Within the Therapeutic Relationship

Healing Within the Therapeutic Relationship

New Doc 7_4My classmate, A, has a treatment plan for me. He wants me to exercise—not the light walks I’ve been doing, but intense cardio intervals and weight-lifting. He wants me to get more sleep and drink more water. When he gives me the instructions, I feel slightly disappointed; I could have prescribed this plan to myself. In fact, even in telling him the story about my fatigue, I had already predicted what he’d recommend. I could hear myself admitting to not getting enough sleep and to often forgetting to drink water. I just hadn’t thought consciously about those facts for a while. Life and self-deception had kind of gotten in the way.

In one way, because I had the answer in front of me, and in another way to please A, who I’d have to report back to the following week, I started to exercise. When I got home, I stopped telling myself that a short, light walk would be enough—I had to start sweating. I stopped kidding myself that five hours of sleep a night was enough and that watching TV on my laptop while lying in bed was a substitute for rest. I made the changes and I began to feel better.

I might have had the internal fortitude to do all of this on my own, but it was talking to someone I trusted that gave me the push I needed. I saw my issues and current lifestyle reflected in A’s eyes. The mirror he held up to me gave me the jolt required for me to start taking care of myself.

The healing relationship is something that is not often credited in mainstream medicine. I am taking a course in Motivational Interviewing (MI) in which we learn to tailor our patient interactions to inspire patients towards making healthy changes in their lives. MI helps people move past places of ambivalence because it acknowledges that, while patients have the power and authority to make changes, they also need the therapeutic relationship to start the first steps of change. We’re often told to share our goals with a friend. One reason for this is that we are held accountable. Another reason is that saying the words out loud helps solidify the need to make a change. Telling another person mirrors our needs, wants and ambitions back to us. Through the act of sharing we gain mutual support and are more likely to move forward with our goals.

When I ended a 5-year relationship and entered the dating scene in late winter of last year, I often joked to my friends that dating was “free therapy.” I had to push myself to leave my bubble of comfort and sit across from a stranger. I had to risk being evaluated by someone else. Dating showed me the need to take chances with my heart and express my feelings and vulnerability. I was confronted by my insecurities—feelings of unworthiness, worry that I wasn’t attractive enough and a deep-rooted fear of rejection and abandonment. I was forced to stare these fears down, acknowledge their existence and work to move past them. This experience helped me become a better person and a better doctor, improving the relationships I have with my patients and coworkers.

Relationships expose our wounds. After all, the human experience is formed in relationship. Even withdrawn introverts rely on others for their daily experiences. Hermits living in the woods are reliant on relationships, or lack thereof. Their identity, forged by their need to escape from others through the conscious rejection of relationships, still reflects their intersubjectivity. Our earliest relationships establish our deeply held beliefs about ourselves and the world. Everything we learn about ourselves is through relationships with other people. 

I read this wonderful quote in an article recently,

“Our wounds were formed in-relationship and can only be healed in-relationship. No amount of meditation on a mountain can solve your mommy issues.”

Healing, whether physical, mental, emotional or spiritual, must be done through interpersonal connection. Relationships help expose our wounds while showing us what we can do to address them. While we ultimately heal ourselves, we intuit that the healing process needs the hands of another. Through my last relationship I’ve seen my insecurities held up in front of my face. The need for developing my sense of self-worth, self-love and self-acceptance began to cry out loudly, when reflected through the prism of the relationship I was in. When we’re alone it is easy to ignore these callings—there is no one beside us, challenging us to evolve, and it becomes easier to settle into our ways.

Self-work cannot be done alone.

Healing requires reflection, mirroring, empathy, storying, support and, sometimes, accountability. It requires more than just expertise, self-will and determination. When working on ourselves interpersonally, we are forced to see ourselves through the eyes of another human being and develop the darkest, hidden parts of ourselves, becoming whole.

Therefore, true healing cannot be done outside of relationship. We need someone to share and rewrite our stories with. In some cases, it can be a partner, family member or friend. In others, the ears, eyes and hands of a trusted professional can help you move to the next level of conscious healing and self-evolution.

In short, Googling your symptoms can’t heal you.

I love this quote from Julie Delpy’s character in the movie Before Sunrise:

“If there’s any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something. It’s almost impossible to succeed, really, but who cares? The answer must be in the attempt.”

Healing is in the attempt.

 

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